Rick Raw: Coping with Death in Unconventional Ways

By Rick Grant Commentary rickgrant01@comcast.net

Recently a close friend of mine, Teddy Washington, died at 80 years old. Instead of feeling sad, I wrote a laudatory piece celebrating his life. As I’ve gotten older, many of my friends and loved ones have passed away.

Over this grief stricken interim, I developed unconventional ways of coping with death. Of course, I realize that everyone handles the passing of a friend or loved one in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

However, I’ve tried to lessen the devastating sorrow and sadness from the grieving process. It has worked for me, so perhaps, it might be of value to my readers. Thus, I will share what I’ve learned.

In the early 1980s, my son was killed in a terrible motorcycle accident, a few years later my mom died. Three years after that my father left the earth. During that decade, I learned about the five stages of grief, which left me depressed and seeking grief counseling.

Since I do not believe any the religious dogma of any church, I’m not bound by any tradition. I avoid funerals because they are about the death itself. I prefer to celebrate the person’s life and his or her accomplishments. The dead have left the earth and exist on the other side in a non-physical reality.

Much to my Catholic relatives chagrin, (who are now all dead) I believe in cremation and getting the actual mechanics of death out of the way as soon as possible. Then, instead of a funeral, a celebration party for the deceased is a more uplifting way of sending them off.

The Irish wake is a great tradition. The sooner the person is cremated and in an urn, the better, with no viewing or other time and money wasting symbolic rituals. The soul is gone, leaving an empty decaying heap of cells behind. Burn it to ashes.

When my son, Jimmy died, he was just 17 years old. He had many friends in high school. So, I invited his friends out to the St. Augustine beach where they surfed and we had a little celebration of life party. We then spread his ashes in the ocean. His young friends were thankful and felt it was what he would have wanted.

Don’t get me wrong, just because I don’t believe in the limiting dogma of religion, it doesn’t mean I’m not a spiritual person. I believe in a higher power–the force, as it were-- and the afterlife, without all the symbolism of religions.

Yes, and I believe in good and dark forces. More significantly, I believe that hate can turn into evil and destroy a person’s life. Twisted killer teenagers, Klebold and Harris, who committed the Columbine massacre, let their teen angst and hatred turn into pure evil. Indeed, evil stalks the earth in the bodies of serial killers, rapists, and pedophiles.

In my life, coping with the loss of my son was the hardest thing I’ve had to get over. The grief almost destroyed me. But, I got help and became much more philosophical about death.

We live, we die, and our death can happen any time. The clock is ticking. Just the other day, celebrated filmmaker, John Hughes was taking a stroll in NYC and just dropped dead.

Death is part of life and we must come to terms with it. As I live into my old age, death gets closer. But, I don’t dwell on it. I live in the moment, trying to be as productive as I can and "shower the people I love with love."

Every day I spread my joy of living and my burning love to my wife, my dogs, and others I meet. If people need religion, its fine with me. Whatever gets one through the day is okay. It all gets us to the same place–faith in a higher power and the afterlife, however we symbolize it.

It is possible to channel grief into positive energy, reducing the time it holds us down. But, like I said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I do recommend that people who are grieving seek professional help. It made all the difference for me. Now, I look at death more positively. After all, it’s everyone’s destiny.